Biffed, Latched, and Bubbled into the Twelfth Dance

Summary of the Play: Biffed, Latched, and Bubbled into the Twelfth Dance

The play takes place during the 1950s era in an East Coast College dormitory, decorated to reflect a dance later that evening. There are three characters total, and all are inter-locked within a love triangle; Biff (developed by Frank) is madly in love with Bubbles (developed by Maureen), Bubbles is madly in love with Latchkey, and finally Latchkey (the offspring of Maureen and Frank’s imaginative powers) is madly in love with Biff. All three characters play off each other and intertwine to exist in this love brew; however, one of the three will not be matched.

*Adaptation taken primarily from William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night; Act V, i, ppg. 167-171.

The Cast

BIFF: Rich, handsome (In a sport-jock sort-of-way), Varsity captain of the tennis team; (Frank Tobienne will be developing this character).
BUBBLES: Extremely beautiful and intelligent; Has a 142 I.Q., but hides it behind her cheerleading girl-power ways; Hates Biff, but secretly loves Latchkey. (Maureen will be developing this character).
LATCHKEY: Handsome, but nerdy; idolizes Biff.

The Setting/Time: 1950s East Coast College, the lobby of the dorm which has been decorated for the dance that night.

Biffed, Latched, and Bubbled into the Twelfth Dance


ACT I

(The Lights are off and a flashlight focuses on one particular chair-it’s early morning and Biff, feet propped, has been up all night thinking. His tennis match went well and though he won the tournament he takes no pleasure in his victory. The win cost him his wrist, which after x-rays, revealed a hairline fracture. To add to his frustrations Bubbles has denied him again. She will not go to the dance with him. We pick up with Biff nursing his right hand and holding a tennis racket, all the while his sidekick Latchkey hovers at his right holding Biff’s trophy. The room is the lobby/parlor of the dorm. It has been decorated for the dance that will take place that night- streamers, balloons etc. It has an empty feeling though, almost abandoned with so few people in it. Soft music assists the mood. The lights come on).

BIFF: (Enters from upper left and sits down exhausted on chair-located in the middle of stage) Ohhh! The pain of it all!

LATCHKEY: (Following Biff from upper left, standing behind his chair) What? Your hand Biff? Is it…painful to you?

BIFF: (Ignores Latchkey’s question and raises his left leg to rest on the other chair) Why won’t Bubbles go with me to the dance? (Looks at his hand) The pain I feel lies in her hand, not in mine!

LATCHKEY: (Obviously disappointed and crosses to the middle of the stage and sets down trophy on the table and walks back) Oh! And here I thought it was something more.

BIFF: (Puts his legs down to make room for Latchkey) Something more? Whatever do you mean man?

LATCHKEY: (Noticing the vacant chair, sits down) Well, I’ve been…uh…thinking-

BIFF: (Still staring at his hand) About what?

LATCHKEY: (Looking at Biff) Well, about us mainly, and how all we do is talk about Bubbles.

BIFF: (Finally looks up towards Latchkey) What’s your tale, nightingale?

LATCHKEY: (Looks away and down towards the floor) Nothin’ Forget about it. It’s silly.

BIFF: (Puts his left arm around Latchkey) Oh c’mon-tell me.

LATCHKEY: (Slightly smiling) Ok. I’ll tell you, but don’t get upset.

BIFF: (Moving closer, shouldering with left hand) Why would I get upset? What’s the word my early bird?

LATCHKEY: (Looking away) The Word from the bird is that she ain’t diggin’ ‘ya Biff. (Turning to face Biff) I mean I don’t want to rattle your cage or nothin’ but-

BIFF: (Removes his arm and gets up to walk towards the punch table) Rattle my cage? Rattle my cage? You know who I am Latchkey! I am BIFF and that paper shaker needs to remember that!

LATCHKEY: Not everyone knows that Biff!

BIFF: (Leaning against the punch table) What do you mean? I’m a cool cat, right?

LATCHKEY: (Watching Biff from chair) Yeah.

BIFF: I wear all the right threads, right?

LATCHKEY: Yeah.

BIFF: I’m the captain of the tennis team, right?

LATCHKEY: (Rolling his eyes) Not everyone appreciates you as I do Biff. Isn’t that obvious? (Getting up from chair crossing down left facing Biff)

BIFF: (Ignoring Latchkey’s last question) Well then what else could Bubbles desire in a cat like me? I’ll tell you! Nothing! (Pushes Latchkey aside and heads toward window)

LATCHKEY: (With deliberate emphasis, facing the audience) What if there was…someone else?

BIFF: (Turns head towards audience) Someone else?

LATCHKEY: (Takes a step towards Biff) Yes! Someone who understood you-

BIFF: Someone who understood me?

LATCHKEY: (Moving closer aligned with the couch and table, then stops) Yes! Someone hip!

BIFF: (Light turns on in his mind, now facing Latchkey) Yes! Someone…uhm…someone earthbound?

LATCHKEY: (Resumes to walk towards Biff and stops 2 feet in front of him) Exactly! Earthbound indeed!

BIFF: (Eyebrows knotted and confusion on his face) Yeah but who?

LATCHKEY: (Approaching Biff with left arm around shoulder, turning him to face the audience) You need someone who can take care of you.

BIFF: (Looking intently at Latchkey, then shrugs him off and heads past the dance floor and towards center stage) Yes! That’s why I chose Bubbles man!

Latchkey: (Turning towards Biff in apparent disbelief and walks towards him) What?

BIFF: (Standing at Center stage, facing Latchkey and audience) I said-Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!

LATCHKEY: (Facing Biff) You need someone who puts you on cloud 9!

BIFF: (Now completely engaged into the conversation) Exactly! I already know it can only be her! She’s the one!

LATCHKEY: Biff! Who has been there for you? Not Bubbles!

BIFF: (Walks back to the couch to sit down) Yes! Bubbles! She’s everything I need!

LATCHKEY: (Walks to the table and looks across to where Biff is seated) Everything you need?

BIFF: (Snaps his fingers on his left hand, then points to Latchkey) Bubbles! Yeah that cherry has a classy chassis! (Looking off in the distance with a lusty look on his face) Whew!

LATCHKEY: (Mouth open, visible frustration as he slams his hand on table) What about me? What about us? How about our friendship? Haven’t I been there for you too?

BIFF: (Noticing Latchkeys anger) Latchkey don’t have a cow! I only have eyes for Bubbles! Besides, I’m serious about you asking her to the dance for me.

LATCHKEY: (Annoyed) What! Are you serious?

BIFF: (Getting up from the couch and walks over to the table pretending to focus on trophy) As a cardiac arrest man!

LATCHKEY: (Moves away from the table and stands near the chair) You know what she’ll say Biff!

BIFF: (Now fingering the trophy) Latchkey! Cut the gas! Just do it!

LATCHKEY: (Sits down; obviously hurt) You always say that! Why do you treat me like that? (Lowers his face into both hands) Why Biff? Why?

BIFF: (Stops playing with trophy, walks over and stands behind Latchkey, and reaches out his hand to console him, pauses, and withdraws it with a heavy sigh) Uh…Latchkey…do this for me… my friend, my pal, my boy.

LATCHKEY: (Slowly picks up his head trying to shake off disappointment) Seriously, Biff-let’s just go to the dance together and forget about Bubbles. She probably-

BIFF: (Heads towards upper left exit, but pauses looking back at Latchkey) Nantey! Latchkey, my right hand friend-of-arms-go to Bubbles, again!

LATCHKEY: (Head turns to where Biff is standing) She won’t-

BIFF: (Staring Latchkey down) Accept no other answer but “yes”!

LATCHKEY: (Stands up to walk towards Biff) She won’t agree!

BIFF: (Holds off Latchkey’s approach with his left hand, palm facing out) She must this twelfth time agree! (Pointing to Latchkey) You must see to this or else!

LATCHKEY: (Pleading with his eyes and faces audience) She won’t, and besides I’ve got a calculus exam coming up and-

BIFF: (Hand on door latch getting ready to exit) Good! Use that time to ask her! Do not fail me! (Quickly exits and shuts door firmly behind him)

LATCHKEY: (Feeling shafted and shouting at the door Biff exited) What’s cool?! What’s the plan? (Walks over to the couch to sit down)

(Lights are off and resume with Bubbles entering with backpack and pom-poms.

BUBBLES: (Enters from upper left and puts down her pom-poms on the table, then sits down next to Latchkey on the couch) Why did you choose to study here? It’s so…empty and I usually never see you without you know who.

LATCHKEY: (Agitated) No! Why don’t you enlighten me Bubbles? Who?

BUBBLES: (Mouth open) Hey, I was only kiddin’. What’s with you today?

LATCHKEY: (Sighing heavily) Aw…nothin’. Look, forget about it.

BUBBLES: (confused) Yeah ok-whatever! You didn’t answer my question.

LATCHKEY: (Cautiously) What question?

BUBBLES: ‘Why you picked this place to study’-remember?

LATCHKEY: (Somewhat of a whisper) Sometimes I like the quiet. You know, fewer people to pretend for.

BUBBLES: (sad and in a daze) Yeah-the quiet can be a good thing.
LATCHKEY: (a little confused, but sympathetic) I’m sorry what did you say?

BUBBLES: (Startled by the fact that he heard her words and putting on a false, happy tone) Umm…nothing, you know me, I never worry about anything. I mean really, why would I right?

LATCHKEY: (Confused) Yeah, sure Bubbles-whatever.

BUBBLES: (Rambling tones, fast-paced) Yep! Whatever! I’m the (making 2 “L” shapes against her forehead to create a “W”) whatever-chick! Always getting’ it right!

LATCHKEY: (One eyebrow raised, sarcastic tone) Yeah, we all know who you are, don’t we?

BUBBLES: (Looks at Latchkey intently) Do you now-that’s news to me!

LATCHKEY: (Shifts in his chair) Uhm..let’s just forget it and start to review for the exam.

BUBBLES: (Opening her bag and begins to take out her calculus book, but then pauses) Latchkey why are we studying together for a class that we’re both acing’?

LATCHKEY: (Smiling nervously) To be prepared, right?

BUBBLES: (Frowning and skeptical, leaning in towards Latchkey) I am not so sure. Is there something else you wanted to look into?

LATCHKEY: (Sensing her flirtation) What do you mean? (Quickly gets up from couch and heads towards the punch table with back facing Bubbles)

BUBBLES: (Gets up from couch and walks over to Latchkey grabbing his hand and turning him to face the banner against the blackboard) Oh! Something in the near…uhm…future perhaps?

LATCHKEY: (Playing dumb and pulls away, heading towards the chair) Well, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, but Biff and I (turning around slightly and pointing to the sign) are going to be goin’ to the dance. Uhm…maybe you would like to come?

BUBBLES: (Moving between the punch table and Latchkey with her right side facing audience) Yeah I’d like to go!

LATCHKEY: (Jokingly, pointing to her book bag on the table) Yeah maybe I could repay you with a dance. Ha! Ha! (Sarcastically) Especially for all our hard work, right? Ha! Ha!

BUBBLES: (Half-smiling) I think I would like to be there with you…I mean…with you guys.

LATCHKEY: (Realizing his mistake and miscommunication) I’m pretty sure we’ll have a gay ole time!

BUBBLES: (Excited!) Oh! I’d love to go to the dance with you, and we could go in matching pink and green velvet outfits! We could-

LATCHKEY: (Obviously nervous) Don’t forget Biff too! He’ll be there!

BUBBLES: (faking a laugh and moving towards the table with her book bag, now noticing the trophy) Right! Biff will be there. Got it! Silly me! I thought you were asking to go to the dance with me.

LATCHKEY: (Abruptly stands up from his chair and heads towards Bubbles) Now why would I do something like that? You know…uhm...Biff likes you and all…and he plans on being here (pointing quickly to the dance floor). I’m sure he’d like to dance with you.

BUBBLES: (Ignoring his attempts for Biff and focusing on him) And I’m sure I’d like to dance with you. (Begins to collect her things, but leaves her pom-poms on the table next to the trophy)

LATCHKEY: (Grabbing her left arm gently with his left hand) Just be nice to Biff ok. For me please.

BUBBLES: (Tenderly) For you anything Latchkey. Just keep me in mind for the dance.

LATCHKEY: (Releasing his grip quickly) Yeah…uhm…whatever.

BUBBLES: (Walking towards the upper left exit, opens door then waves at Latchkey and finally closes the door behind her) Well, I guess I’ll see you there tomorrow. Bye.

LATCHKEY: (Reluctantly waves back, confusion on his face) Yeah bye. See ‘ya. (Crosses towards center stage as lights dim and flashlight lights on Latchkey) That was weird she thought I was asking her to the dance! She was kinda diggin’ me though. (Flashlight turns off, lights go back on, Bubbles upon entering attaches the card “DAY” to the banner, and Biff also enters and stands by the punch table with Latchkey looking at Bubbles from the lower left. Finally, he approaches Biff as Bubbles walks over to the couch not noticing either Biff or Latchkey) Biff what’s wrong?

BIFF: (Staring at Bubbles with a lustful gaze) Wrong? No man-it’s all (licking his lips) right.

LATCHKEY: (Confused) What are you talkin’ about? How’s your hand?

BIFF: (Snaps out of trance, then refocuses on Latchkey) Well, it’s there, but I could use some tender care.

LATCHKEY: (Surprised, stands in the way of Biff’s gaze) Oh! Do you want me to do anything?

BIFF: I thought you’d never ask.

LATCHKEY: Biff you know that I would do anything for you. (With emphasis) I mean a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g at all!

BIFF: (Strains his neck for a better view of Bubbles) I know! I know! I can always count on you my friend.

LATCHKEY: (Looks behind him and then re-blocks Biff’s view) So, what’s your request?

BIFF: (Moves from punch table to the dance floor with Latchkey under his left arm) Go and tell Bubbles that I would like to dance with her now.

LATCHKEY: (Looks briefly behind him) Tell her what? Aw c’mon Biff. She’s mingling in the crowd.

BIFF: What happened to (mockingly) a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, huh?

LATCHKEY: Yeah but-

BIFF: (Squeezes Latchkey closer, then faces him) No buts! Now you and I are tight, right?

LATCHKEY: (Sarcastically stated) Of course, we’re tight.

BIFF: (Turns Latchkey around to face Bubbles’ direction and stands behind him) Well then go just this last time. (Whispering in his ear) For me.

LATCHKEY: (Turning to face Biff) This is the last time, right?

BIFF: (Hands in a supplicating manner raised to the ceiling) Would I lie to you my friend?

LATCHKEY: (Suspiciously raising an eyebrow and glances back at Bubbles) That’s close, yet rich.

BIFF: Listen, I think you and I have a lot in common.

LATCHKEY: (Shocked, yet hopeful) You do? Biff that’s wonderful! I think-

BIFF: Yeah I think we have a common bond.

LATCHKEY: (In disbelief) You do?

BIFF: (Gently fists Latchkey with left hand) Yeah I do! In fact, we should explore our similarities one of these days.

LATCHKEY: (Excited and giddy): Oh Biff! I think-

BIFF: (Ignores Latchkey and focuses on Bubbles who gets up from the couch and heads there way) Latchkey, here she comes.

LATCHKEY: (Slowly turns around and sees Bubbles approaching from couch to table to dance floor) What? What did you say Biff?

BIFF: Shhh!!! (Slightly bowing) I said here comes my angel, my dove.

BUBBLES: (Waving her right hand) Hey guys!

BIFF: (Mouth open, hand over his heart) Now heaven walks on earth!

Latchkey Von Wilson: (Rolling his eyes and faces the audience) I don’t know what’s the big deal? She’s just a girl Biff.

BIFF: (Still looking in the direction of Bubbles who is looking down at her shoes) Oh and if her justice would include (with emphasis) JUST US!

LATCHKEY: (Pulling on Biff’s sleeve) Biff she’s been ignoring you. Why don’t we just leave now?

BIFF: (Quickly, angrily glances at Latchkey) Nonsense! Stop your jealousy!

LATCHKEY: (Defensive) I’m not jealous!

BUBBLES: Latchkey? Everything alright? I just came over to-

BIFF: (Pushing Latchkey aside) Bubbles! Oh! Bubbles!

BUBBLES: (Unenthusiastic and annoyed) Oh! Hi Biff! Funny thing seeing you...uhm…here. Latchkey, how are you? Do you like my dress? (She twirls in front of Latchkey and fluffs her hair in a flirty manner)

LATCHKEY: Hi Bubbles! (Disinterested and yawns) Nice look.

BIFF: Oh happenin’ babe! (Thinking of words to say) Your chassis is both classy and stacked!

BUBBLES: (Forcing a smile, teeth clenched) Thanks, Biff for your worthy review.

BIFF: You are most welcome my sweet. Uhm…Bubbles?

BUBBLES: (Looking at Latchkey) Yes Biff?

BIFF: (Stares at the ceiling, then at her outfit) Do you want to dance? I’ve got some moves (swings his hips from side-to-side, then in a thrusting manner) to show you.

BUBBLES: (Looks at Latchkey) Well, I’m saving my moves!

LATCHKEY: (Ignoring her cue) Biff she’s talking to you.

BIFF: (Aside to Latchkey) See man! She digs me! Gracious Bubbles, can I have this-

BUBBLES: (Eyes wide-opened) Latchkey, remember--you promised!

LATCHKEY: (Confused) What? My lady, your…prince…addresses you! (Moves directly behind Biff and the punch table off to Biff’s left side)

BIFF: Dearest, sweetest, most happenin’ babe! I am in love with-

BUBBLES: (Hands on hips and furious, ignoring Biff and pointing at Latchkey) Latchkey! Why are you avoiding me? Remember you promised to dance with me.

BIFF: (Raising an eyebrow at Latchkey) Dance with Latchkey? No! Dance with me my princess.

BUBBLES: (Turns her anger from Latchkey to Biff) Dance with you? Dance with you? Hah! I will never dance with you! You drive my patience Biff!

BIFF: (Clenching left fist, raising his voice in obvious anger) What! Still so cruel? Don’t you know who I am?

BUBBLES: (Quickly stated, poking his chest with her finger) What! Still so persistent? I have a promise to keep with (looks at Latchkey, then reaches for him and grabs him to face Biff on her side of the dance floor) this guy here!

LATCHKEY: Nantey! I…uh (looks at Biff)…can’t dance with you Bubbles. (Breaks free and stands near Biff as before) My place is here. Ain’t that right Biff?

BIFF: (Confused and angry walks towards chair, kicking one of the 2) Shut up Latchkey! (Turning to face Biff and Latchkey who remain on the dance floor)When I want your help I’ll ask for it! What am I a wet rag? (Looks at Bubbles, then at Latchkey for a response) I want to know what the hell is happenin’ here!

BUBBLES: Hey! You can’t talk to Latchkey that way!

LATCHKEY: (Looking down at his shoes, then at Bubbles and back up to face Biff) Bubbles stay out of this! Look Biff-

BUBBLES: I will not stay out of this! Take up thy fortunes!

BIFF: (Sits down in chair) What fortunes?

LATCHKEY: (Walking over to kicked chair to sit down) Don’t listen to her Biff.

BIFF: I will listen to her! She is my angel and my-

BUBBLES: (Hands in the air, walking back towards the couch and plops down) Damnation and hellfire!

BIFF: Why so base? It’s just one dance. The music-

BUBBLES: (Interrupts him, arm over her forehead as if ready to faint) Who cares for music? I’m hungry for (looking directly at Latchkey) other food. (Gets up from the couch in frustration and stands near the punch table with hands, palm down, and back facing Biff and Latchkey)

BIFF: (Angry, but still supplicating) Well then-if music be the food for love…go out with me. (Stands up to approach her)

BUBBLES: (Quickly turns around and is full-hilt angry, pointing towards Biff) I will not go out with you! I will not dance with you! And I will not let you talk to my…uhm…my soul-mate like that!

(Together) BIFF and LATCHKEY: Your what?! (Latchkey stands up while Biff glances at Latchkey)

BIFF: Oh! Betrayed, betrayed, betrayed! Bubbles and Latchkey? Latchkey and Bubbles?

LATCHKEY: (Pleading with his hands towards Biff) Nantey! Biff and Latchkey, or Latchkey and Biff. This song is better sung!

BUBBLES: No! (Grabbing Latchkey in front of Biff from the back) That song skips a beat. Why do you deny me? I thought you finally noticed me after all our tutoring!

BIFF: (Eyeing Latchkey) Is this the tutorship that you gave her?

LATCHKEY: (Shakes his head vigorously and shakes off Bubbles walking towards center stage, back turned to the audience) I have only been your truest, loving companion Biff.

BUBBLES: (Starts to head towards upper left to exit stage, then turns around) Then prove it! My friend indeed? Hah! We’ll explore this friendship! Come!

LATCHKEY: (Hurries to follow Biff) Yes! Anything for you Biff!

BUBBLES: (Holding on to Latchkey) Latchkey! Where are you going? Don’t abandon me!

BIFF: (Now reaches for the latch) My patience Latchkey waxes thin man!

LATCHKEY: (Shakes off Bubbles and quickly grabs onto Biff’s left sleeve) I am with him whom I love and to whom my loyalty is bound!

BUBBLES: (Shocked and in despair) Oh! Me-Bubbles disliked! Latchkey? You can’t be serious! But, I’m…your...your companion.

LATCHKEY: (Adjusting his hold on to Biff, looking up at the ceiling) If I do feign, you witnesses above, punish my love for tainting of my love.

BIFF: (Pushes down on latch and opens the door) Latchkey let’s go. (Whining voice) My hand hurts (slight smile), and besides my thoughts tonight are ripe in mischief.

BUBBLES: (Legs feel weak and she barely makes it to the couch) Latchkey please-don’t you love me?

LATCHKEY: Bubbles for crying out loud! I am Biff’s good right hand! I will never be able to love you!

BUBBLES: (Gets up from the couch with renewed energy, hands on her hips) Fine! (Pointing) Why don’t you two just drop dead! These speeches of being Biff’s right hand man and professions of love and loyalty to him, it’s too much. You can have each other!

LATCHKEY: (Full of sarcasm) Gee, thanks for your…approval! See ‘ya around button. (Latchkey pushes through the door and exits, followed by Biff who looks back once towards Bubbles until Latchkey pulls him through)

BUBBLES: Good riddance! (Saddened and alone, she looks around the room, then notices her pom-poms and looks to pick them up, but at the last minute she decides to leave them on the table and exits quickly upper left. The lights, now off, reflect a dark room except for a flashlight which shines on the table containing Biff’s trophy and Bubbles’ pom-poms)


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